“More often than not, a heroes most epic battle is the one you never see; it’s the battle that goes on within him or herself.”
- Kevin Smith
My Year Long Battle
If there is one thing that this last year of life has taught me, it is that the real battles happen when no one sees them. It's the battles that rage on inside of you when you haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep at night and you still have a business to run, you still have a family to take care of, you still have ball practice, you still have groceries to get.
These pictures are of my family in the middle of the biggest part of the battle. We were starting up a coffee shop and bistro. The first week we were open we didn't get home until midnight each night. There were close up processes that we were getting nailed down, there were ball practices, there were groceries for the store, groceries for our home, baths, kids need sleep for school but they were up early and up late. We were physically sick for a long time period. Worry overwhelmed every piece of us.
For a year I stopped surrendering to the belief and faith that God had refined in me. Instead I surrendered to the circumstances, reacting to life as it came. I tried to stand on the faith that was always there at my core, that knowing, but I had let so much of it go that my emotional wellbeing was wavering too much. I traded the solid rock for shifting sands.
Then it all came crashing down. We were overwhelmed with a decision that we had to make. How do we know what to do? And God spoke;
"Surrender the outcome."
What Does It Mean To Surrender The Outcome
It meant trust God wholly and continue to do the next right thing, one choice at a time. Then let go emotionally of what will happen. This sounds like a "duh" definition for any Christian, but I challenge you, is it how you actually live?
We know a lot of things in life, but knowing isn't doing. Knowing does no good unless it's done. Knowledge isn't key, the application of that knowledge is key.
So in this time I began to ask, "how". I began to seek Him fully again. I began to listen again. These empowerment tools that He taught me all those years ago still applied, still worked to help me listen and be.
- Treat Time & Brain Space
- 7 A's of Empowerment
- Intentional Moments
It wasn't long after I began asking and listening that I felt this need to fast. I had felt this a few times before and I always responded with "I'm going to pray about it" or "I wonder what the Bible really says about it". "Do you pray and fast to get a specific outcome, healing, blessing, etc.?" This was my subconscious way of dealing with the fear I didn't realize that I had towards fasting.
The Panic Attack
Once I decided that I needed to fast, I literally had a panic attack about fasting. I know it sounds ridiculous, and I'm only sharing this because I have learned that the most silly and stupid sounding struggles we have are often the ones that others deal with and never talk about it.
I was brushing my teeth that morning, and it was like something else nagging in my ear fear and anxiety about not eating that day to the point that my body literally shook and my emotions were uncontrollable by the logic I knew in my head.
At that point I knew what I had to do.
The Fast
After a week of putting it off and "trying" I finally completed a 3 day fast that changed everything. The questions about why do you fast and for how long and all the unknowns that I had I surrendered them. I literally had to lay them down at the alter that I set up in my bedroom. I released EVERYTHING. I came to God completely empty, not expecting anything, and willing.
If you've been around here the last couple of years you know that I began a journey about how to expect specific things Biblically and live in belief and expectation supernaturally. This isn't bad and it's not wrong. In this moment I needed to approach God in a different way.
Instead of "God, I believe you for xyz", it was "God, I surrender to you my whole heart and everything in it." That phrase remains the phrase that means a million more words. It is the real and whole emptying of myself, my fears, my hopes, my desires, my angers, my hurts, and my gratitudes.
I entered this season of assessing all that I had and how to move forward with it. 1 Corinthians 7 spurred a lesson and a prayerful study. We can get into that later. Here are the lessons that I learned during this fast and want to share with you!
Surrender Is The Best Battle Strategy
The first lesson I learned is that surrender is the best battle strategy. A whole and complete surrender causes you to live open and trust. Surrender is how the challenge goes from your hands to God's. No matter if your battle is about your business, your family, your emotions, or anything else, your best battle plan is surrender.
Surrender is more than giving God your problems and fears, it is giving God everything. Every moment. Every action. Every intention. What you choose to do with your time and how you choose to do it. The attitudes you carry with you and how you interact with your spouse and children. I am not claiming to have all of this down and am perfect. I am far from it. Even now as I type that bit about attitudes and being with your family I ask God for forgiveness of my inadequacies. Therein lies the beauty in it all, and lesson 2.
Being Laid Bare Is Wonderfully Freeing
Being fully known, all the good and all the bad, and still being loved and held dear to The King is absolutely beautiful and completely freeing. It isn't that I am now perfect, but all my imperfection is known and I am still loved. All of my struggles are there and He is still there too. There is nothing I can do to make God not love me.
I did just experience a year of living farther from God than I have lived since salvation, but He was still there! The moment I came to Him and asked for forgiveness He was ready and waiting. I'm not answering the question of my eternal status in that year, I know that some of you think in those extremes, will it send me to hell or not? That isn't the point, the point is that no matter where my eternal status was then, my being here and now was not where I needed to be with my Father. I was not living in the fullness of His closeness. I was trying to do it on my own, or hide my own frailties. I was chained by circumstances.
When we come to the Father through Jesus Christ the answer is always, "Where are your accusers?" and "Go and sin no more." This freedom ushers in the third lesson.
Joy Unshakeable
When you live fully surrendered there is joy that is unshakeable. All the worry and fear is traded for a deep knowing that you are taken care of that you do not have to worry.
This is probably the piece that has taken the longest for me to come to. When I was first saved it was a Saul to Paul transformation, it was like Moses when he came down from the mountain and his face was so bright that the people made him put on a veil. Joy was evident and often time blinding to others.
I haven't manifested that joy in a long time. Marriage, kids, life happens and that youthful, beautiful, shining joy that my young Christ loving self had was something beautiful and I must admit that I've often longed for it again.
But God showed me that He didn't take something away to replace it with another version of the former thing. The joy that I have now is a new thing that God has given me, one that is new and needed for this season. Joy that is a full knowing deep within my bones that God is taking care of me and my family. That anything that I ask for in faith, according to His will, will be done. I know I can pray and believe and surrender for the supernatural to happen. For your business, for your emotional health, for your family relationships, for your heart, for your peace, for your power, for your purpose.
Peace Power Purpose
You have all of that and more available to you. I am no one special. I am just like you, probably worse in many ways! But I know that My God is the same and He is able to do far more than you can ever imagine! I want to be your support system in this journey. I want to come alongside you and pray for you. I want to help you to identify where you are and what you currently have in this season. If you want more support and a community, then link arms with me in the Empowered Living Subscription. No matter how small you feel sometimes, please know that you always matter to God and you matter to me. I am here for you. I want to be a blessing to you. Reach out.
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